It's been a long, tough few weeks, and I really want this all to be over with.
I'm having a health scare at the moment. It could be nothing, or it could be something scary, or it could be something in between, and I just have to wait and see. Needless to say, I've already diagnosed myself with all the bad things it could be. Dr. Google is a menace.
I'm scared, and my family's far away, and if it does turn out that there's something wrong I won't have anyone to take care of me over here. I've just started this new job, and all I want to do is enjoy it. I wasn't counting on this happening.
And then last weekend, a really bad thing happened. I used to play softball up north, before I moved down here. It's kind of an obscure sport to be playing in England, and the league was full of friendly, close-knit people. My team in particular had some wicked people on it. They were hilarious, fun-loving, and kind. I still see them at tournaments, and they still treat me like one of their own. I'm still welcome to come play any time. I'm still one of them.
I remember my first tournament, before my first game. I was feeling a bit shy, sitting off on the sidelines eating some breakfast. It couldn't have been 10.00 am yet. And this guy, I'll call him Z, came up to me and started teasing me for eating healthy breakfast food when I should have been drinking beer. And just like that, I was a part of the team.
I've never seen anyone play as well as Z. He was a beast. Everything he did, he looked like an instructional video. He was so technically perfect, but he also had so much fun playing the game. He competed internationally, but was never ever stuck up about it. I loved watching him play, and I loved hanging out with him after the game, because he was just chill and fun.
Z was found dead in his house last weekend. I have no idea what happened, just that one day he was posting on facebook and the next day people were posting RIP on his wall.
It shook me up more than it should have. We were never that close, but he was the kind of guy who just lit up a room, and everyone gravitated towards him. The world is worse off for having lost him.
It all just makes me so sad.
And this health thing, Z's passing kind of puts that into perspective, because even if I'm not 100%, well, at least I'm still here. It still scares me, and I still want it to go away, but it's also helped put things in perspective for me.
I spend way too much energy stressing about the small things. Ironically, this whole thing could be caused by stress. But at the end of the day, the small things are pointless. If my flatmate wants to move out and move too many people into my small flat, that's fine. I can cope, or I can leave. I have choices. And pretty much everything other than my friends and family and enjoyment of life are irrelevant.
And speaking of friends, my sister said the sweetest thing about all of this. I was telling her that I'm scared, that I have no support system here. I mean, I do, I have friends, but they're not the friends who I've known for years and I could comfortably ask for favours. I hate asking for favours. Anyway, my sister was saying how of course I have a support system and I should quit being silly. If I came home, my family would take care of me if that's what I needed. And she said that my family included her, and a couple other close friends I've had for ages. She hardly even knows them, they'd only met through me, but she just stated it like a fact. That she knew they'd be there for me. And, you know, she's right. I know good people.
And after that, maybe even the next day, I was telling a new friend of mine about an appointment I have with a specialist this week, and he offered to take me. Just like that. I didn't expect it, and it almost made me tear up a bit. I know good people.
And anyway. Here's the promise. If this is a false alarm, and I guess even if it isn't, I'm going to relax more. Enjoy more. Make more of an effort to spend time with people, and less of an effort with my to-do list. I'll keep you posted.
