I was attending this leadership camp, and one of our projects was to write a mission statement. They broke it down to "why do you wake up in the morning?". I had no idea. I had no larger-than-me reason for waking up in the morning. I was aghast that, at 18 (I think), I had no discernible purpose in the world. Upon discovering that, I burst into tears.
That was almost half my life ago. After that, I went to university, found friends, student life and a job. I got involved in (pretty much all) campus activities. I knew who I was (bubbly, outgoing, a bit flirty, dressed like a raver even though I had no desire to actually go to a rave). I knew why I woke up in the morning (meddle in campus politics, be a bit of a know it all, get very involved in our school's orientation week, terrorize anyone I disagreed with, be a student leader, look out for younger students, try to make campus life fun, or at least interesting for all involved). I loved my life. I felt like I was doing good things, and I was surrounded by other people who were doing good things. I respected those people and looked up to them and wanted to fight side by side with them. In return, they seemed to like me back, and I felt comfortable (but never complacent), happy and safe.
After that, I went traveling. I lived in England for almost a year, where my purpose was to enjoy myself. Then came backpacking, where I wanted to eat as much food and see as many sites and take as many pictures as humanly possible. My 7 months of absolute self-indulgence.
After that, I moved back to Canada, where I worked in a pub, and applied to photography schools. I'd decided that was my path. I loved photography! I could be a photojournalist and make art and expose great injustices! This discovery was quickly followed by the discovery that photography schools didn't start for another 6 months... and a close friend had offered me a 6 month stint teaching English in Korea if I wanted. Of course I wanted.
Before the idea of Korea had even been discussed, I had applied for photography schools in Ontario, Canada. I'd done my traveling and was home for good now. On a whim, I applied to one more photography school. In Paris. Mostly, I just wanted to see what they'd say. They said yes. Shocked, I tried to justify turning them down and couldn't. And so, after Korea, it was off to Paris. My mission was to wake up in the morning, eat a croissant, practice my French, drink a lot of coffee, create art, and plan an amazing future for myself.
This is where it gets sticky. I met an English guy, moved to Canada for a few months, and then to the UK. I wanted to live in London, but he was up north. He was looking for jobs in London, and I was living with him until we could both move London together. Just like that, I was thrown into a world of Monday - Friday 9 - 5ers. I wanted a job, to contribute. So I got a temp gig, working in an office. Another one followed, and soon, I was living in domestic bliss, cooking dinner and going out for drinks on Friday nights. fun, of course, but I'd completely forgotten that years ago, I had big dreams.
We moved to London. We broke up. I was crushed, and somehow, from that, came this blog. I'm back to where I was when I was 18 years old. I want to find my reason to wake up in the morning, and I'm struggling as much now as I was then. but now I have the added bonus of needing small creature comforts like food and a roof over my head. How can I live a life of passion and giving, while still being responsible and earning an honest living? And, more irritatingly, how does one find a passion? This isn't a math problem. There's no formula to plug numbers in and find a definite answer. I walk around and try to think "what injustices really get my goat?" (answer: a fair few of them), what do I have to contribute (answer: ???). What can I do? What do I want to do the most? And... I come up blank. It isn't because I feel nothing. It's because I feel pulled in a bunch of different directions. Photography. Writing. Charity work. Working with young people. Some combination of the above?
Who am I? What am I about? Why is the world a better place because I woke up today?
A student gets arrested during a protest. The university admin wanted to turn our bar into a bookshop. We wanted to keep our bar as a bar. So, we camped out in there for over a week until the police showed up. When was the last time you believed in something so strongly you were willing to get arrested for it? When was the last time I did?
No comments:
Post a Comment